| poverty |
[Sep. 30th, 2007|11:32 am] |
I'm so poor!
I havent been payed nearly as much as I'm owed.
Technically I should have been payed £2880 ish (unless my maths is awful) for the whole 2 months before National insurance... but all Ive got is £1944.90. I'm expecting an enormous bill from college this term, and I dont think I'm going to be able to afford it and living expenses at the same time.
Why does money have to be so rubbish? |
|
|
| hmm |
[Aug. 24th, 2007|05:42 pm] |
well Ive had a reasonably good few days. *smiles*
This is progress.
I'm vaguely concerned that it might be for what Fred might call bad reasons though.
Is it possible to be both serene and horny at the same time? I dont know. However you'd describe it, I'm in a rather good mood.
I think I like someone, and its possible that he likes me. Unless I decide to do something about it, thats probably enough for now.
Im still pondering what to do about it. I know Fred has said I shouldnt get into anything for a while, but I'm wondering if there are clauses to that? I'll try to have willpower and not try anything, but what if he does?
I'm only around for another week, so its hardly got the capacity to be anything serious till later on anyway. Meh... I'll see what happens.
In other news, Ive nearly finished work. Woo!!! Working on the bridge was fun, but office work was hard to stay awake for. I've been pondering whether I'd want to go back there next year. Its tempting, but theres also a lot of other things Id like to try too. I'll think about it more seriously later, when it comes up.
I dont know whats happening about getting picked up next weekend. Both my parents are busy, but I think one of them will find time for me at some point.
The sun has finally appeared. This may be contributing to my good mood. |
|
|
| *wonders why she bothers* |
[Jun. 12th, 2007|10:50 pm] |
seriously... why?
*am seriously contemplating giving up*
This is so hard and I hate it. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|07:13 pm] |
|
and suddenly I feel like crap again... shows how fragile my moods are at the moment |
|
|
| This is more appealing than revision |
[Jun. 7th, 2007|05:15 pm] |
which makes it a forbidden fruit or something, and hence all the more appealing.
I want exams to be over, but at the same time i want about a week longer to revise for my last two exams.
*sighs*
apart from vague despondancy about exams, I havent been feeling too terrible the past few days. I guess its just on the back burner till exams are over. maybe the pills are having a little effect too. who knows?
*wonders whats going to happen after exams*
Im a bit worried I might end up having to make an important decision after exams. I've been putting it off because making it promised to be worse for my state of mind in the short term than not making it, and i couldnt be doing with that in the run up to exams. soon i wont have that excuse.
In other news I theoretically have a summer job offer. 3 in fact, but i can only take one. I think I'm gonna take the Atkins one... working just past Girton college. I think im gonna be working on bridges... *bounces*
starting off with stuff on the Orwell bridge near Ipswich.
Obviously it relies a little on what they offer to pay me. (I have yet to get the letter, i know i have an offer cos I rang them up) |
|
|
| happy pills |
[May. 27th, 2007|10:56 am] |
hmm.
Im trying to work out if the herbal happy pills I got yesterday are working. Probably a bit early to tell.
Dont worry, they're not full on antidepressants yet. The doctor suggested I try St Johns wort. Apparantly its believed to be quite effective for mild to moderate depression. Im not sure where I come on that scale.
I might post more later, but now I should be working |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[May. 24th, 2007|09:28 am] |
|
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG! |
|
|
| depression |
[May. 14th, 2007|07:55 pm] |
I have a session, tomorrow. After lectures.
I really hope it has some positive outcome, because if it doesnt, I'm pretty buggered.
Things that should make me happy arent, and things that shouldnt make me unhappy are... things that arent good, but could be worse seem like absolute disasters.
I spoke to Geoff about it, and he seemed fairly understanding. He's suggested a way I can avoid getting kicked out even if I completely screw up my exams, which is useful to know. |
|
|
| Do I need a shrink? |
[May. 10th, 2007|05:22 pm] |
Right.. On the advice of certain people, I have handed in a form to the university counselling service. That means I should have an appointment fairly soon, and will be able to talk to someone about how rubbish I've been feeling. I hope it'll help. Though I really dont know what to expect.
I also hope I dont get put on happy pills. |
|
|
| grr arg |
[May. 9th, 2007|10:42 am] |
Arg! Im so crap. And the person I thought could help me feel better is also feeling crap so cant help me. Which depresses me even more.
I'm in desperate need of some good fortune, but i dont think any is going to be forthcoming.
*wants to give up*
Sorry for being so emo, but i need somewhere to vent it. |
|
|
| a decision has been made |
[Apr. 19th, 2007|01:29 pm] |
Well after a short (and mostly boring and unproductive) holiday, I am back in Cambridge.
I'm aching all over cos I went to yoga last night. tis fun, but painful now.
Im finding it very difficult to motivate myself to work. I think I'm feeling defeatist, as though working wont do any good. Im emotionally and physically exhausted.
I'm really not sure what I want at the moment. I only know very vague things. I want to feel wanted and valued, and to have fun. I finally realised that staying friends with Rick hasnt been helping that. While I'm friends with him there will always be a bit of me hoping to get back with him, and another part thats full of sadness at how things worked out and another bit thats jealous of him. so I bit the bullet last night and told him I couldnt be friends with him anymore... at least for the moment. I thought I at least had to be honest with him about why. He didnt seem happy, but I think he understood.
After I finished talking to him I removed him from my msn. I havent decided about facebook yet. I've told it not to tell me about him, but im not sure if i want to all out delete him. I deleted the large majority of the pictures i have of him from my computer. I am loathed to delete them all though, at the moment i dont think thats necessary.
In other news, i have a date on monday night. go me!
And now i shall drag myself to work. |
|
|
| my hair is now short |
[Mar. 18th, 2007|04:48 pm] |
*wonders what to write*
I had a hair cut the other day. ('which one?' I hear you all cry) Now it is short. and curly if i dont straighten it, which i tried this morning, and like.
Duncan just went to bed...
*is bored... runs out of inspiration*... *posts* |
|
|
| my hair is wavy |
[Mar. 14th, 2007|11:30 am] |
*listens to Snowball in negative*
very depressed lyrics.
'All through this short life we give of ourselves... giving and giving and slowly diminishing,
Leaving a mark that will gradually fade...ash in the breeze, snowballs in negative'
Its funny how Divine Comedy songs are generally either crazy-odd and happy, or terribly sad and depressing. I think Neil Hannon must be bipolar or something
I have a date this afternoon. I'm vaguely hopeful about this one. I went for a pot of tea with him on friday, and we got on quite well, which made a change from the other people I've met recently. They were nice, but there wasnt any chemistry.
recent events....
My housemates took me to Life (edit: Cindies..... i can never remember which is which) last night... which is the first time Ive been there since my freshers week! It was fun, if a bit odd. Stayed out till 2, which I felt this morning!
monday night I went to a black tie dinner at Christs :-o . was very posh... 6 courses, lots of wine, all for someones birthday, at his expense! Dont know quite how i managed to get invited, but im glad i did. Lottie's friend who i sat next to in the sung compline afterwards is rather yummy. :-)
At the weekend I went down to london again. Grand!
I had my 'anti- birthday' dinner on the 8th, which was great :-D I managed to get ten people, including myself, at Eraina Taverna... I love that restaurant !
It is Thomas' birthday formal tonight... well, nearly birthday. which will hopefully be fun. And I need to do a lot of stuff for my Cipolla supervision tomorrow afternoon :-s
I also need to go back to Topshop, and get them to remove a security tag the shop assistant forgot about yesterday. typical!... well not typical, unusual, but slightly annoying.
I don t want to go home next weekend... *sobs* |
|
|
| stuff |
[Mar. 1st, 2007|05:09 pm] |
Well the date went ok... He seemed fairly nice, but I dont fancy him right now. Might be good friend material, and he might grow on me from there. Theres a lot of emotional baggage there though.
I ran into Lottie as my date and I were walking home, and she may have saved me from an awkward goodbye moment. I never know what to do when Ive only just met someone...
Having left my date to his supervision work, Lottie came round for a cuppa, and hatched a scheme to set me up with one of her many single male friends. Partly at my suggestion, but she seems to have seized on the idea :-P. At least she can filter out wierdos for me!
Ive got to try and work out what to do for my weekend... Its my mum's birthday on saturday, so I thought I might visit home for a bit... But its also the last day of bumps, and my college husband is playing varsity laX which I promised to watch, and theres also yoga. Too much to choose from!
I also ought to fit some work in somewhere...
I seem to use '...' far too often! bad bad habit! |
|
|
| ponderances |
[Feb. 27th, 2007|03:05 pm] |
hmm... well I'm fairly sure I know who my roses were from. I could be wrong, but he hasnt actually said it wasnt him... which every other guy I thought it might possibly have been has. *smiles*... well it cheered me up, so Thank you to whoever it may have been.
I'm doing somewhat craply at work at the moment, which is bad. Ive just failed utterly to catch up. I blame Rick... for utterly buggering me up this term. Im only just getting back on track. Im sure its partly my fault too, but he was the catalyst. I still struggle to decide how i feel about him now. My brain has (I think) decided not to take him back without excessive persuasion... Im not sure the message has got through to my heart yet,,, and i still find him v attractive... which is somewhat annoying! :-P
On the plus side, I am finding other people attractive again, :-)
This weekend I went down to London to visit Fred and Duncan.... two thirds of my known readership. Was fun. Just wanted to tell you guys I really enjoyed myself, and it would be cool to be invited again soon if you wanted me :-)
In other news... I have a sort of date on Thursday. I've been chatting to this guy online for a week or two, and he seems nice... if a little geeky. My friend knows him... so i know hes not an axe murderer or anything, and I thought I ought to meet him before too long. My friend thinks he might be autistic..., but since my mother thinks i have a mild form of Asperger's syndrome, which is basically a mild form of Autism, I dont know that that would be that big a problem. But thats why meeting him in person is important.
Ive decided its best to go into these things without really looking for anything more than friendship... and if you happen to find something more, then even better!
I'll let you know how it goes.
Now I ought to get on with work :-s |
|
|
| Flowers! |
[Feb. 15th, 2007|08:38 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  happy | ] |
12 Roses
:-o
No note.... very mysterious.
*smiles* |
|
|
| confusion |
[Jan. 19th, 2007|04:09 pm] |
Arg. This is so hard.
I've been trying to be happy on my own, but all I do is sit and try to work, but end up thinking about Rick, or feeling lonely. Then getting steadily more miserable. I havent had much appetite for days. I just feel like I've got this enormous gaping hole in me.
I havent found a way to be angry at him... I dont want to be. He cant help the way he (at least thinks) he feels.
I think the worst bit is I miss his company. Horribly. I miss his hugs and his hand holding mine. If I could have those things I think I could live without the other things.
Ive spoken to him a few times since it happened, and I think Ive coped well, though its still pretty awkward. I think he might be finding this as hard as I am... or almost.
I've been thinking, and what I really want to do is invite him round for a talk. I want to ask him if he's feeling similarly to me, and, if he is, whether he'd like to try just being really good friends. I wont ask him for relationshipness, and I still want to try to find my own activities to fill my time so we wouldnt see each other as much as before, But without him to talk to I feel absolutely empty. I wouldnt put it quite like that, obviously. If, as I suspect, he misses me too, I hope he might say yes. Then I might be able to recover more. Maybe?
If any of you think this is a really stupid idea please tell me, and offer me an alternative. Otherwise I think its something I need to do. |
|
|
| shock horror! |
[Oct. 17th, 2006|06:39 pm] |
shock horror! i havent posted on here in ages!
Sorry.
Let me explain. I've been rather busy, with work, friends and Rick. I am now back at cambridge if you werent aware. I suppose cos ive had more friends around i havent felt as much need to post here.
Rick and I have been an item for almost 2.5 months. woo :-)
We seem to be practically joined at the hip, which I hope isnt a bad thing! I'm enjoying it at the moment anyway. Just hope he doesnt get bored of me or something silly.
anyway... I would write more, but Rick is taking me out to dinner in a bit, and I ought to do some work before that.
I have at least posted.. |
|
|
| a Brief update |
[Sep. 20th, 2006|07:30 pm] |
ho hum... I dont appear to have posted for fifteen days, thats quite an achievement. I suppose I havent had much to say while Ricks been away, without sickening people by saying how much I miss him.
He comes back on friday, but I probably wont get to see him in person till Sunday. You see, I'm moving back to college on Saturday, and he will probs need to sleep, and he has an opticians appointment.
While he has been away I have been doing lots of sewing, and reading John Wyndham novels (two in the past 3 days). My birthday was a bit rubbish, but Im over that now :-)
I havent been doing work, which was probably a bit silly of me. But there is still time. At least thats what I keep telling myself.
And now I might go find another book to read.
Farewell! |
|
|
| navigation |
| [ |
viewing |
| |
most recent entries |
] |
| [ |
go |
| |
earlier |
] |
| |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
fireflyphoenix's journal
worried
tired
blank
depressed
drained
bored
optimistic
empty